I Will Sit, Wait, and Be Silent

I have been on an unapologetic tour and living my life my way because I never want to feel boxed in by anyone’s expectations or opinions of me.  I am taking moments on the regular to embrace my current status and put myself first in all of my thought processes.  I have had to learn how to be my own hero and not depend on anyone who was truly not going to be here for me.  My renewed sense of self rears its pretty head as I wake up each day fully rested from the night before because I am in control of my existence.

I have a very strong prayer life and rarely do I share my closest thoughts with anyone because not everyone will be empathetic to your personal pains.  I myself am an empath…the people in my life that I care an extreme amount about capture a part of my being that renders me incapable of ignoring their shifts and storms.  I am a good listener and however abrasive I am at times, my friends know that I wouldn’t tell them what they want to hear just to appease their feelings.

See, at the onset of 2018 I had a lot of questions swimming in my head that made me adjust how I deal with confusion and then deal with the person causing the confusion.  My brother says I’m a logical person that analyzes everything and that the way my brain works it makes abnormal.  I accept that because I say it clearly whenever I am asked, “What is it about me?”  I just simply say that I am DIFFERENT!

When I take a moment to pause everything that I need to see becomes visible.  Everything that I need to hear is being said.  And everything that I need to let go of is released because under all of this confidence is a woman that has felt unimaginable hurt that I have buried deeply inside of me because I’m not defined by those things.  Not to sound like a cliche but yes everything happens for a reason.  Discernment is a blessing when you recognize it as your gift.

I know things will come about in my life that will alter my views and challenge my thoughts and ultimately continue to push me forward.  So as I live for the moment completely unaware of what is to come next, I will sit, wait, and listen.

Sitting Pretty: Sitting does not mean I will become a hermit and not enjoy all that life has to offer.  It means that I will sit still and not move too fast on anything too soon.  Like for instance, I went on a couple dates with this one guy and though he was nice—our ideas and thoughts were not in line with each other.  I knew that I was not in the same mindset and the conversation of building with someone (a year post divorce) was not the life I’m envisioning for myself at the moment.  I want to take some time to get know me, explore my creativity, push myself to the limit, and see how far my goals and aspirations will take me.  Yes, I know I’ve done a lot already but I want more for myself.  I’m in a season of selfishness and I cannot afford to be distracted by things that do not feed my drive.   As I am sitting, I am watching and taking a lot in on a daily basis.  When it is time to purge, I will be at a place in my life where all the pieces make sense and I will have elevated my existence… mind, body, and spirit.  Until then I will sit!

Waiting Patiently:  I am not waiting for a night in shining amour.  I am waiting for my mind to slow down and not feel like everything has to happen immediately. No Rush! This second quarter of this new year is showing me a lot because as I slow down and take inventory of myself, I am becoming more appreciative of my time.  I was asked by my students where all did I attend college and after I rambled off my 16 years of enrollments and degrees conferred, I smiled on the inside.  I have worked tirelessly towards my credentials, my career, being a great mom, and maintaining relationships (significant others, friends, and family) that I’m burned out.  I’m burned out from the nonreciprocal effort as I reclaim my peace of mind and focus on myself.  The only people that come before me are my children because they depend on me to take care of them.  I knew the day would come that I would slow down just a little bit to enjoy all that I have accomplished.  I will wait in the balance of this life that I live and strengthen my mind…

Being Silent: I woke up one day about two weeks ago and decided that I was not going to speak on certain things.  That didn’t mean that I was not going to talk, it just meant that my conversation had to be guarded a little bit more because oversharing begins to sound redundant.  Again in casual conversation with my brother I shared my thoughts on a bothersome situation and while he sympathetically listened, I realized sometimes that’s all I need.  Telling someone how you feel all of the time is not warranted and actually isolates you in those feeling from time to time.  I thought at some point in my life I had to be open with the ones I cared about as an expression of my loyalty to them so they’d know in turn that I would always be there for them.  Turns out…some people can’t handle your feelings and are confused about you at the same time.  In my silence, I didn’t shut down, I just pulled back and decided I would speak on what is presented to me and not what I thought I should say.  I received two phone calls as a result of my intention, my bestfriend and a dear friend.  The in-depth conversations that were had provided clarity and peace that was welcomed for both them and myself.  I have continued to be silent and prayerful for those two because the love and concern for them is real.

April has been a month of personal reflection and this has been what I’ve needed.  I shifted from the business branding and blogging to focus on what is real in my life right now.  I’m not conflicted nor am I lonely. I am surrounded by love and appreciation.  I sit, I wait, and I listen, taking time for me as I continue my journey into self-care.

Thanks for reading…

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11 Summers of Reflection

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In a friendly conversation I was asked if I reflect on my life.  I had to resist saying, “Duh!” because it would have been childish, but it turned into a fruitful conversation and a serious train of thought for me.  Since coming into the new year, I promised myself that I wouldn’t dwell in the past, but some things are worth remembering.  Today I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and knew that I had to sit down for this blog post.

I separated from the Air Force in 2007, the summer of 2007 and here I am now, not working my 11th summer and still getting paid.  That is a blessing!  Not because I’m an educator, but it is a blessing that I have a career that I love and it frees up my time to pursue my passion during breaks and holidays.  My website and blog are my outlet to practice my writing skills as I crank out my inspirational nonfiction.  I never thought nonfiction would have been the genre of my first two books My Fourth Year in Middle School:  The Truth About Teaching (2016) and Brown Sugar Magic: Goal Setting and Reflections Journal (2017).

So here we go, 11 Summers of Reflection…

2007:  I was scared out of my mind to be separating from the Air Force after six years because I was concerned with finding a job.  It didn’t matter that I had earned two associates degrees, my bachelors, and was separating honorably, I was preparing in my mind for my future.  I settled into my new home back in my home state and pushed dozens of my resume and applications out.  I chose to go work for the Office of Child Support Services.  In eight months I learned that child support enforcement is not the kind of job I wanted.  Thankfully I was a forward thinker and able to move on.

2008: The summer of newness.  After working for the State of Georgia for a hot minute… I was impressive enough to secure interviews in April of 2008 to become a teacher.  So mid-way through my Master’s program leading into the summer, I was blessed enough to not work a second summer in a row, and still collect a check.  My Essentials to Teaching class was an eye-opener, but I was excited to take on a new challenge and start my new career as a teacher.  I had no idea what I was getting into.

2009:  This summer broke me just a little….  I had been with my high school crush since 2001 right before joining the Air Force, but at the end of my first year of teaching we had a MAJOR fight… the fight was the snowball to that marriage.  I celebrated my first year of teaching, the highs and lows.  I found love for the classroom and for the students I taught.  I moved forward with my career while crying my eyes out at night, but pulling it together to be SUPER mom for my boys.  We separated.  Tough Summer!

2010:  I had filed for divorce, experienced a fling with a blast from the past and when that didn’t work, I flew to Puerto Rico.  It was just the getaway that I needed.  Now there is no need for details, but being around a familiar and trustworthy face made the trip worth it.  We ate, we drank, we talked.  I loved him but we understood that our love was not to be explored beyond where we were at.  We were adults… still distant friends… Truly someone I will never forget.  I see his life now and I’m extremely happy for him.

2011:  I had completed my third year of teaching and I had some tough decisions to make.  Reconcile completely or not to reconcile at all.  Things were not adding up so I made a choice to walk away.  After someone says they don’t like the word marriage, you walk away.  I never work summer school, but one of my friends had the bright idea to start a book club and we had the most fun ever.  The book club fell to wayside because life happened but shortly after the summer, September to be exact, I was officially divorced.  After all according to that spouse, marriage was just a piece of paper.  Ain’t no way hell was I about that life.

2012:  This was my summer of sexy!  I had officially become a homeowner and hosted my housewarming party.  This was one of the most rewarding experiences I had in a lifetime.  Becoming a homeowner and decorating my home was the best feeling ever.  I could not have been more excited in this year of independence.  I loved every moment of my freedom to do as I chose.

2013: Summer of blur.  I was in a relationship.  It was fun.  It was combative.  Two summers post divorce, and second summer of home ownership.  I had tunnel vision and was completing my last required courses towards my doctorate.  I was trying to be a free spirit and finding myself all over again.

2014:  Let’s call this the summer of love.  I was smitten. I was engaged. I was a nervous wreck.  I was trying!  I think I tried and cried so hard this particular summer.  I honestly don’t know if I was coming or going.  But that is all apart of life.  The struggle to get to what is real.

2015:  The summer of laughter.  A beautiful summer of grilling, slip and slides for the kids, Tybee Island, Jekyll Island, and Summer Waves.  WE had fun…a lot of fun.  I was oblivious and living in the moment.  I was happy.  My boys were growing up and mama was having a life too.  Life could not have been more grand than what it was.

2016:  Revelations and Celebrations!  A year ago I was flying back from Fort Lauderdale after walking across the grand stage to receive my Doctorate of Education.  I was starting my “business” of writing and blogging and trying to figure things out.  I published my book and was on an emotional high.  Of course some things did not feel right in my marriage, but I took things in stride and accepted some harsh realities.  The highs of cruising to the Bahamas a second time, Florida, and family kept me motivated.  I was continuing to come into my own.

2017:  The journey to here!  I am elated to be standing because I know who I am.  I know the impact I have on my LOVED ones, and the RESPECT I have earned in my career, my family, my friends, and my life.  The story is still being written as I’m WRITING!  So do I reflect on my LIFE?  Hell yes I reflect on my life and I am forever grateful for all of my experiences.  The GOOD and the BAD.  The HURTFUL and the LOVING.

In my 11 summers I have made time for myself.  I love myself and the woman that I continue to become.  Others will wonder how I do it?  I’ll just say that it’s the drive and the God in me.  I’m not perfect, I’m original.

Live~Reflect~Write~Learn

LaTilya Rashon