Relationships and Influence

I have had to take back my life more times than I can count.  I have learned that by totally immersing myself into other people, ideas, and a life that is not my own becomes confusing and outright tiresome.  So when you “reclaim your time” and “reclaim your life” by setting boundaries on what is acceptable for you and your holistic existence you are much better off.

We all have situations in life that reshape our perspectives and some of the deepest emotions we feel are placed on a shelf because being vulnerable never suits us at the right time.  When you feel your internal shelf begin to crumble and something inside of you is breaking, that is time to regroup.

When I came across the idea that we are the products of our experiences, that thought resonated with me because people hold your trials against you.  It is unfortunate that when some (people in general) experience bliss it brings pain to others but we learn day by day that that is all a part of life’s cycle.

Relationships come in many forms and we learn through the seasons of love, dislike, contentment and disappointment how we should care for others during those times.  Resentment is not a mainstay and in these great words you have relax, relate, and release.  When our lives seem to be unraveling before our eyes and we are trying to plant a sturdy foot one in front of the other we find ourselves stumbling.  We stumble in love because the very thing that breaks our hearts also keeps us holding on.  Love is a part of every relationship and the catalyst that forces change inside of you.  Changing what you will and can no longer accept.  When relationships begin to fall apart we settle for contentment because it is better than not having certain people in our lives.  For two years I was content with the separation from my first husband because I held on to the love and felt that the love would be restored. I had hope that we would put our family back together again.  My high hopes quickly turned to disappointment when he said he didn’t like the word marriage.

Disappointment interrupts your sleep patterns and make you obsess about things that are out of your control.  You overthink and put on your pretty face to make yourself believe that you are truly okay.  The rebuilding of yourself after a failed relationship changes your perspective.  Sadly while you grieve your loss people stand by in waiting judging you for how you cope with your feelings then have the audacity to hold your feelings against you.  In a conversation with my sister (we were married to brothers…LOL) I said to her people are not the authority on how you live your life.  Too many people think they can dictate how you receive them, but unless they know your full story they need to learn how to respect your boundaries and let you live.  They are not allowed to interject on your well-being especially when they don’t know what you have survived.

We are all reborn from something.  It’s like getting a fresh start.  We are reshaped and influenced by our decisions.  There is no crime in wanting better and wanting more.  Closed minded thoughts will not make way for creating the life you want to live.  Relationships of the past, the present, and those to come will guide our steps in life as we become centered in our individuality.

We are not self-made.  We are the reflections and results of relationships and influence.

~LaTilya Rashon

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Live~Reflect~Write~Learn

I was asked the other day when was I going to drop another book.  Standing surprised by the question I asked, “What book?”  My colleague looked at me and said, “The one you keep dropping snippets of on your blog.”

THANK YOU!

 

Hearing these words of affirmation for my writing gave me an ounce of energy I needed because this school term, my son’s football schedule, and tending to all of the other things I have to do is a bit cumbersome but I make it work.  I’ve been told I make what I do look easy, and I resent that statement sometimes and want to throw in the towel but I am reminded that I have two little boys (even though they are not so little anymore) that are depending on me.life-is-the-word-typography-1024x576

Today’s journey is about living~reflecting~writing~learning~

LIVE|Sometimes you have to live a life uninterrupted by fear.  It is something about that damn comfort zone that will make you second guess everything you contemplate doing.  But risks are worth taking because there is truly a reward for everything you set out to do.  In all sincerity you learn what you want more in life by taking risks and you walk away from risky situations that could cause more harm than good.  You simply cannot be afraid to live because of fear of failure.  We are all going to fail at something at some point in our lives, so the lesson there is to not make the same mistake again that will result in failure.  We fail at school (academic probation was my dismissal from the University of Florida…LOL), we fail at career moves (the wanderers), we fail at relationships (friendships, family, courting, and even marriage), and we fail sometimes at realizing our greatness.  However, we can’t let the mistakes of our past or even the unsteadiness of our future keep us from moving forward in our sometimes awkward realities.  It has been said that fear means two things, face everything and run or face everything and rise.  I CHOOSE TO RISE!

REFLECT|A lot of times I think about my right steps.  Other times I reconsider my wrong moves and see where things went to the left.  We cannot predict the future.  We have no idea from day to day what to expect or the results of each forthcoming day.  It is not a bad idea to reflect on self and how you have handled situations in your life because there is always a better way to handle things in hindsight.  Your growth is contingent upon what you can withstand, endure, and at all cost opportunities to better yourself.  There are truly going to be many “not so” proud moments in your life but were those moments fueled by malice intent?  We will all be good in the end especially if our hearts are good and our intentions are pure.  Reflect on your true self and if you like what you see, keep being you because somebody is going to feel it.

WRITE|I celebrate my glows and woes of life to create a trail of things I did to the best of my ability and my opportunities to grow.  I literally write down everything.  I have journals that chronicle my high school years, one for each year.  I have multiple notebooks that have chronicled my life from marriage to childbirth, career moves, and book outlines.  You have a story to tell.  We all have a story to tell.  Writing becomes an outlet as you see your words take form and manifest into your life.  Setting goals, making a list, and checking it twice becomes empowering when you see the things you have ventured out to do come to fruition.  Writing is therapeutic and it is a process.  My writing takes on many forms and inspires many people (they inbox me and tell me so).  Celebrate the good and the bad because no experience is ever a waste.  Write until your heart is content and you get your story out, even if you don’t share it.

LEARN|Life will grab you by the neck and make you immovable.  Everyday will not be a cake walk and we will face many obstacles but we must learn how to navigate through them.  Navigate life in such a way that we respect our setbacks but embrace our triumphs.  Through trial and error I discover things about me that have been hidden in my heart that makes me susceptible to the truth.  We all have to be willing to learn more about ourselves in order to reach our fullest potential.  You have to work hard for what you want and learn how to turn every no into a search for a yes that creates an opportunity for you to dig deeper into who you are.  Life is about learning and truly for the living…so are you alive or among the walking dead?

~Live~Reflect~Write~Learn~ is more than a logo or mantra.  It is how you survive.  It is how you thrive.  Those four words govern your existence.  You have the right to live the life you want to live.  Reflect on the divine individual that you are ever evolving into. Write down your goals because the plan for your life is predestined, nothing is going to happen that is not supposed to happen.  Learn more about who you are because being you is your super power.

We will take many paths and detours in life but we should not be deterred by what does not happen.  So if a book derives from all of this, so be it.  Right now I’m just living, reflecting, writing, and learning.

~LaTilya Rashon

 

Be You, Do You, For You

As an individual, you ponder your thoughts so often that your second guess becomes your mainstay when you should probably trust your gut instincts.  I by far am not perfect but I do have a high moral code and I just believe that people should do what they say they are going to do without hesitation.  I also believe that sometimes our reactions to situations set a precedent that some people can handle and on the other hand some shy away from.

I am a WHOLE me all by myself and there is nothing no one outside my immediate circle of friends that can make me think otherwise.  So with that thought in mind BE YOU!

We all have some clandestine relationships with people that will rock some emotions, but truth be told EVERYBODY don’t deserve to see ALL of you.  It’s a cliche but we all tend to keep our circles small and those that we are most vulnerable with GET IT!  They understand when you are being your true self venting about your frustrations, heart-broken about love, redefining your life, and ultimately growing past your mistakes.  In being you, you hold yourself to a high standard, especially if you have HIGH ESTEEM of yourself, better than anyone else does.  You, me, or anyone else for that matter are not responsible for how people perceive you to be.   Being authentically you is your super power and in this competitive world YOU have to be YOU and ON at ALL times.  Even when you fall off, never let them see you sweat.

I sit and wonder about the direction my life and career is going because there’s always room for improvement.  However, don’t let just anybody speak over your life.  DO YOU the best way you know how and watch the pieces come together.

Based on someone’s introduction of you through what they have heard or what they have seen, some folks like you immediately and others bane your existence.

Well tough shit!

You can’t go through life living and pleasing others to the point of saying no to yourself.  I don’t agree with it.  I don’t believe in sugar coating a damn thing.  So in doing me, I get things out in the open, off my chest, and then keep moving.  You can’t go through life sparing others because one thing I have learned in my time on earth; Ain’t nobody going to spare my feelings.  After I have sat and cried, festered, obsessed, and been angry about some things, I have also realized my resiliency speaks before I ever do. Everyone is not going to be sorry for how they treat you and the best way to combat that is to always stand up and DO YOU!

Your happiness.  Your triumphs.  Your courage.  Those three things are your motivation.  You have to do for yourself before you can ever do for others. In all actions let them be FOR YOU and a truly reflection of you.

If anyone claims to be perfect they are a lie and ain’t no veracity in them.  I have had to forgive myself for my petty thoughts, outbursts, and reactions to the bullshit.  To be totally honest I have had to accept apologies I was never going to get.  Sadly, but some people don’t have problems with the things they do wrong to you, they only have a problem if you notice and call them on that shit.  Tonight I am raw in this blog because I’ve been listening to people be tired of the same types of things that get on my nerves and they need an outlet.  I’ll be that buffer…that go between…that voice.  Sometimes we need to know that when we choose to do things for ourselves it’s not out of selfishness, but pure conservation of our energy.  I can’t be who anyone wants me to be, I can only be me for me and if that offends anyone, then PARDON MY BACK!  After being mistreated, overlooked, and at times rejected you have to just do what you want with not regard to others FOR YOU.  That does not mean be careless for the rest of your life, that means set boundaries and never let another person take you out of your element.

We all need a reminder every now and then of just who we truly are.  Some of us are more than just a pretty face.  We have scars, we have pasts, we have baggage.  We also have strength, we have courage, and we have wisdom.

Let go of what was.  Embrace what is yet to come.  Be You, Do You, For You and forget whoever ain’t with it.

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Deference of Love

dictionary-love-18251xI had to take some time to gather my thoughts and really take inventory of what was going on around me.  I can admit that this time last year I was in a dark place asking myself daily, “Why me?”  I didn’t have the answers and I did not seek refuge in others I actually sat alone many nights and talked to my sister-in-love about the turmoil in my life.

How could the one I gave my love to break my heart so bad?  But I slowly put myself back together differently than I had before and realized that nothing was wrong with me.  It’s just that sometimes you can want to be with someone that you are not meant to be with.  I didn’t marry him thinking that we would get divorced.  I married him because I took a chance at love.

Even in the haze of that tumultuous relationship I never gave up on love.  A year later my outlook on love has changed a lot and the reality is that I CHOOSE to LOVE in spite of the cards I am dealt.  I laugh at my perception of love, the way I love and the conversations others have around me about love because I am often asked will I get married again.

NOPE, NOT RIGHT NOW.

That thought is not on my radar.

I think many of us are haunted by the thought of being happy that we often sabotage a beautiful beginning because it seems too good to be true.  I am sure most ladies in the world of reality television saw the episode of Braxton’s Family Values when Toni asked the question, “Have you ever been afraid to be happy?”

That question stuck with me because I’ve never been afraid to be happy but sometimes what is the point of being happy when you have no one to genuinely share your happiness with?  Yes I can be happy with myself, but sometimes, just sometimes you want to share your highs and lows with someone that “GET’S IT!”

It’s a rhetorical question.

I am not looking for an answer.  I’m just saying what the many strong-willed people in my life say on a regular basis.  But what is the point of love if it is such a hurting thing?

Love endures a lot or do people endure a lot of things in the name of love?

The irony!

  1. What if love was more genuine and no one ever got hurt?
  2. Would we know what love is supposed to feel like in the deference of it’s position in our hierarchy of needs?

Let me bow out of the questions.  Get back to the point!

You, we, individuals are never fools for choosing to love again and again.  In our constant effort for self-improvement and self-acceptance, we must be vulnerable with ourselves to experience all of life truisms.

In this sad state of affairs that we live in and constant need to one up the next person, we miss out on some fantastic opportunities in life to live and be genuinely happy.  It is also equally mind-blowing that some people settle for mediocrity and not fluidly live in love and passion that they speak so highly of.

There is a lot of love advice being tossed around lately and while it all is intriguing, I see the hustle for what it is.  I’m optimistic about love and what it is supposed to represent in our lives.  Unfortunately, the thought of loving without limits is lost.  Everyone is guarded whether intentionally or not.

Having your guard up is for your protection because someone who truly cares will breakdown your guard and build you up in the process.  Someone that cherishes you will not put you in harms way nor have you “out there in them streets” looking stupid.

I have a lot to say about love because it is the very essence of my being.  As I told my bestfriend last night,

“I don’t want to hear anyone say that there is no such thing as loving hard because there is.  I love hard and that is the only way to love.”

One last thought in my stream of consciousness.  To love hard is to give freely of yourself ensuring that the ones you love feel appreciated in every way.  Love is not a play on words, a business arrangement, or a wait and see kind of deal.  Love is sitting your ass down in the difficult times, being uncomfortable together until that feeling passes.

Some people don’t want real love, they want convenient playmates.

 

Sometimes in September

 

nineThe month of September symbolizes so many different things for me that it is hard to put it all to rest in my heart because for years there has always been a battle that I had to face either with someone or alone.

September is the fall back month when I sit back and reflect about some of the shit I’ve been through then have to remind myself to push forward.  This will be an emotional read because Sometimes in September I am reminded of being choked and told “Bitch I’ll kill you…” at the same time.  That’s just something you never quite get over.  You try to block it out but the very thought of a man revving his hand back at you like he’s about to hit sends your blood boiling.

Even as the years pass on, by this particular time of year I’m so busy that I don’t have time to wallow in self pity.  I have to push forward and try to forget all of the things that have happened over the years of Septembers tried to wreck my inner peace.

So sometimes leading into fall the internal conflict I feel rears its ugly head and I have to find the strength to press forward even when I don’t want to.  I have to remember that my sons depend on me, and they have often said “Mommy you are strong you can handle anything.”

If these walls could talk, all of the Septembers throughout the years would tell you my secrets, my trials but more importantly tell you my triumphs.  My journey to here… being the woman I am is no easy feat.

Rightfully themed, Sometimes in September, a relatively short month, tests my character year after year as I enter a rebirth and rejuvenation of self deciding some shit just ain’t worth putting up with.

I’ve gone to court in September. I’ve had a divorce decreed in September.  I’ve found out I’ve been cheated on in the past, in the month of September. I have been lied to and told that you’re my soulmate in September and we can married tomorrow.  I’ve been left hanging in the balance in September.  And in all of my Septembers I’ve been reminded of my discipline, authenticity, and perseverance.  Because I simply cannot show my weakness.

I’ve been chastised for being an open book.  Told that I reveal too much.  I’ve been reminded of my truths in September and I remember every single person who said, “I’ll always be there.”

This ninth month of the year represents change.  A change in season.  A change attitude. In some cultures it the number representing “long-lasting”.  One of my close girlfriends said to me, “Look at how many Septembers you have survived.”

The number nine and September is my number of patience.  There is a reason for everything.  It has all been a test.  Divine completeness.  The fruits of the spirit. The number nine is powerful to me because I am always tested at this time.

I said it a few months ago and I’ll say again it, “Being a diamond in the rough, perfectly imperfect, and vulnerable is the true essence of your beauty.”  Just today as I felt things fall off of my internal shelf, I recognized that I’m not shattered but beautifully blemished and genuinely unique.

I find my truth in every situation I experience and overcome.  I am a bit of an enigma.  I face the realities of life and accept that my path was predetermined a long time ago.

Live, write, reflect, and learn.  I practice what I preach, too bad not enough people do the same.

Short and sweet… just like the month of September…

 

 

 

 

You Can’t Fake Passion

So when I wrote , Someday I’ll be Your Girl, I was in a turnstile trying to figure out exactly which way my love life was going.  In a world full of cliches’;  meeting soulmates, finding your true love and being open to new experiences are all trial and error.passion

Unfortunately for women we find ourselves in situations where we are totally enamoured by someone only for things to not always move at the same pace you see things in your mind and feel in your heart. It is confusing.  You think about all of the chemistry you have with someone, then wonder if they give someone the same feeling.  So here is what I say to that, “Tighten up baby girl!”

I have a male best friend and the things we talk about gives me more and more insight on how men think.  My friend told me that once a man tells a woman he loves her that is all she hears.  He is absolutely correct because those three words change how a woman deals with a man completely.

These three words in the spirit of Stevie Wonder are sweet and simple, short and kind, always kindles an aching heart to smile inside.  But baby they are frightening.  Not just for the person who says it, but also for the person who feels it.  My friend told me that in relationships, one person is going to love more, give more, and do more.  He was correct about that as well.

Even when you take action against the friend zone and be assertive and non-confrontational, you can never tell where that person of interest head is at.  You spend time doing things that make you laugh.  Meeting up at Applebee’s for 9 o’clock happy hour, sitting on the porch talking for hours about life, texting throughout the day to check on one another, being each other’s hypeman behind the scenes, and keeping each other in on the loop about what’s going on in each other’s life seem endearing.  NOT necessarily.  But it’s a start.

There are some voids we are always trying to fill.  So many of us have been hurt that moving beyond the proverbial friend zone is asinine in theory.  Why ruin a good thing a lot of us think?  But you never know how happy you could be with someone unless you try.  Sadly, we are all dealing with hearts that we didn’t break.  But continue to wait until you’re ready, you’ll never be ready.  Love is a risk.

Everybody is screaming loyalty but at what cost?  A woman who is focused on one guy has tunnel vision and will wait for a sign that he is as into her as she is into him.  Sadly that is a recipe for disaster.  Unfortunately, women put our all into something and when it is not fully reciprocated we lose our damn minds.  Men on the other hand don’t take a damn thing seriously until they feel they are about to lose someone.  It’s just TOO complicated at times.  

The STORY of my life. LOL!

Scenario 1: Friendly Conversation

A woman meets a guy in a relatively public and social place.  He finds her on social media, they become friends and there is a lot of heavy flirting.  He’s easy on the eyes, athletic, educated, but very guarded.  He calls the woman from time to time.  The very first time she went over his house place, nothing sexual happens.  He makes her some hot tea, they talk, he’s tired, they go to sleep and become platonic friends.

Now there are fireworks between these two… he sees her beauty and she sees his strengths. They talk, they continue to laugh, but nothing happens beyond that.  He even tells her that he entertains conversation with her because she has his attention.  But still nothing.  They never have serious conversation about their interactions.  They just keep it polite.  How are the kids?  How is work?  How are you?  But they get a kick out of the friendship so they keep it there.

It could easily be more.  But they don’t push it because yet again they BOTH have been EXTREMELY HURT.

Scenario 2:  A Complete Stranger

“Can I buy you a drink?”  Oh what a standstill conversation this was because the woman looks at the dude questioning his motives.  They step to the bar, he buys her a drink, they make small talk, exchange numbers, and the friendship unfolds.  They go on their first date and after the movie they stand in the movie theater lobby and talk for about an hour admiring each others’s style.  Coincidently, they arrive looking coordinated and laughed about it.  In fact one of the very first times they hook up after the date, the guy gives her a foot rub and she is blown away.  He cooks her favorite foods, buys her her favorite drink, work out together a couple of times at the gym, they laugh, they chill, in fact they are having a blast because he tells her he will always make time for her.  She meets his brothers and instantly finds friendship with one of them.  Then there is a change.  

It feels too much like a relationship, something he now realizes he’s not ready for.  It’s cool right?  No it’s not, but she doesn’t push him away.  She takes a step back and realizes that even in the fun they have she has feelings for him.  So here we go!  The heart is involved which makes it difficult to just ignore that pinch in your chest every time she is around him.  She is an open book and ready for love.  She is unafraid to love if it finds her.  However, he is a bottle of nerves because he’s not ready for a woman like her, a statement he repeatedly says.  But who is he trying to convince?  Him or her?  The electricity between them is electrifying!

The way he looks at her, admiring her physique gives them both chills.  He’s written her poetry, and she has done the same for him.  He asked her if she wants to hear the words or be shown the words?  It’s confusing because in their friend zone he has comfortability in knowing that he has found a friend in her.  A friend he said has been a pleasure meeting and would like to get know better in the future.  She’s at a we’ll see stage in her life because their have been promises and strong emotions between the both of them but one is more afraid than the other.  In their case, you can’t fake passion.  

Scenario 3:  History in the Making

It has been a progression because old cliches and sayings having people thinking that they have already met their soul mates.  But is it possible?  Out of the blue to get a message on social media asking you how are you doing?  Stunned and nervous because this person has the ability to shake up your whole world and create distractions.  You play the catch up game.  How is life?  How are the kids?  What do you do for a living?  Then you hear the words, I should have made you mine a long time ago, but I didn’t want to hurt you.  BE BLOWN AWAY! Be very BLOWN AWAY.  Of course you didn’t expect it, how could you?  

There has been years between constant contact with certain friends, and as we mature and look like we are handling our business certain interest begin to change.  The historical friend! The one who has watched you grow up admires your drive and actually tells you that you are who they prefer as their mate.  They tell you that you are the mold in which women should be made from and it’s more than words because they trust you enough to tell you things that they dare not tell anyone else.

This man has never lied to you.  He’s stable.  He thinks you’re amazing but this is all too complicated to wrap your head around.  You know exactly where he is coming from and nothing beyond genuine conversation has every taken place between the two of you. So you practice the pause.  You wait.  You become patient.  He reaffirms your patience.  A passionate friendship.  A trusting and abiding connection.  A strong vibe and bond that is unbreakable.

You can’t fake passion. Align yourself with someone that matches your effort not just compliment it.  

xoxo

LaTilya Rashon

You Have to Learn How to Love and Live

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We speak things into the universe that we want often times giving more than we ever receive. ~LaTilya Rashon

Ironically three years ago to date I married my second now divorced husband and I’m not even sad about what would have been. What could have been. Nor where I am at now.  I have been dropping jewels along the way giving everyone insight to how I feel and where I am at, so just know that I’m good.

I heard a speaker a week ago that said, “I cannot walk into my future with my foot in my past” (Tommie Mabry).  It’s funny how the stars align and things I said seven months ago are being confirmed on a daily basis.  Especially the notion of not dwelling on the past.  I have learned some hard lessons over this past year and I am truly glad that I did not allow my obstacles to stunt my growth.

I mean let’s be honest.  If I were upset right now.  I would have every reason to be because of the rocks that have been thrown at me.  But taking my own advice, I am being very careful about what I give my energy to.

I watched one of my favorite movies today and in the opening the main character said, “There’s two things people have to find out about themselves. They have to find out about love and they have find out about living.”

I am finding that love comes in many forms as well along with change.  The love you have for your life, your family, your career, and your interests ultimately fuels your existence.  You are given one life and many times over you will make mistakes.  However, those mistakes become your lessons and your badge of courage to dare to do something different.

The love you have for your family, immediate or extended trumps all love because there is nothing you wouldn’t do for them.  Even your friends, because through the years your friends become some of your most relied upon people in your life.  Blood or water, you recognize family by the love you receive from them.  The love for your career feeds your passion and your drive…I’m a mother FIRST, teacher second, and blooming writer.  I’m still niching things out!  Lastly your interests… I would rather try a million things than try nothing at all and live a boring life.

I’m so interested in living that I am not taking anything for granted.  I can say that at times in my life I was consumed by love and the the approval of my significant other that in this present time I have decided to just be happy-go-lucky me.  And by that I mean sometimes you have to live through the deceitfulness of others and realize that that is not your battle to fight.  You have to live through the heartbreak and be glad you have another chance at love.  That even means you have to live through some brutal honesty and accept what is. “Accepting what is” does not mean be a fool it just means that you recognize situations for what they are and don’t push pass it.

Living in the moment may be instant gratification for some and prolonged disappointment for others, but at any rate it is complete joy to be present in whatever environment you are in and taking it all in.  One friend says that he sacrifices his happiness for responsibility.  I don’t agree with him while on the other hand another friend gives no shits about the opinions of others and just lives.

My interactions daily enlighten me on how people approach life, deal with life, and understand life.  There is no right or wrong way to live as long as you are not maliciously out to hurt people.  It is not what comes out of your mouth that defiles you, but what you feel in your heart.  Sadly some people think they have the monopoly on sadness, hurt, deceit, and being broken-hearted.  But no one holds the monopoly on feelings.  You live, you learn, and you move the hell on.

Live and let live.  The love you so freely give will be given to you in return.  The light you shine as you live will be turned on you and will forever shine bright.  So what must we learn…don’t force it… Love or Living…

A lot of times we give off more than we ever receive…

xoxo

~LaTilya Rashon