A few years ago I read Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man with my book club and while for the most part the book was common sense, a woman unsure of herself would feel very enlightened. But I revisited an idea in this book that makes total sense and is the common approach in many career fields. 90 Days!
If the field of education began to screen people for 90 days they would see that the quality of teachers diminish within that time and would go back to square one trying to find highly qualified and motivated teachers for the classroom. However, the focus of this blog is not my current career field, but the 30-60-90 wait in relationships.
The idea of taking your time to get to know someone is a foreign concept in this hurry up and wait society. I recently have had my ideas of love, relationships, and commitment challenged. I have faced some eye opening experiences that make me question what’s really real and sustainable in this laissez faire mindset many people have assumed.
In the aforementioned book, it is suggested that women should withhold sex for 90 days because that makes a man want you more. If you are adult enough to have sex, one day or holding out for 90 days is not going to make you a permanent part of a man’s life…he either wants you or he don’t.
The first 30 days are wonderful and full of excitement. Talking on the phone for hours at a time…and yes people still do that…going on dates, spending time together and endless laughter all have the makings of what you think is going to last. You’re most understanding when you are trying to make an impression on someone hoping that they will gain more interest in you. Good morning and good night texts are a plus as well because it shows that the other person is thinking about you…or at least you hope that they are thinking about you.
Counting on up to the 60 day mark you find yourself smitten. You do a lot of things together. Walking around the store holding hands because its sweet, sitting at a restaurant bar having drinks, and acting up in public laughing loudly and everybody looks at you and think that you and your friend are in love. Hilarious right! WRONG! Because now you have feelings for someone and the more time you spend with them, the more evident why you have feelings for that person begins to shine through. It’s inwardly uncomfortable because you struggle to find balance between saying what you are feeling and not being too expressive. Does my love scare you, you want to ask but then you remember you haven’t said “I love you”. Do you want to be with me beyond what you think you might feel right now, you want to ask, but then you remember that you are “just friends”. But if we are just friends, why does this feel so right?
Keep counting because just like a new employer is watching the new hire, your FRIEND is watching you. In fact you are watching each other. So you begin to wonder if at 90 days what is going to happen. Is my probationary period over? Have you seen enough of me to make a sound decision about where you want me in your life? Are you putting me on an extended probationary period because you aren’t exactly sure? So the wait continues. The butterflies grow stronger. The love is more intense but you have to sit on what you are feeling because for once you have decided not to fall flat on your face.
You don’t want to feel rejection. You don’t want to get too deep in your feelings and then there is no reciprocity. You are cautious because what feels right makes you tick. Your friend makes you happier than you have ever been in your life. The wait…30-60-90! It’s a catch 22! Guard your heart for it is the giver of life.