Just when it looked like things were really on a downward spiral in my life, the spirit of the Lord stirred a fire in me. I had to realize my greatness and give it all to God.
I’m on a spiritual high because even though I may fall short of God’s glory, I acknowledge Him in everything that I do and know that I am a work in progress.
Sometimes we, especially women take on so many responsibilities and obligations that we don’t see how we are neglecting ourselves. Yes as women we are nurturers, caregivers, friends, lovers and all things to the people we love as we stand in the gap during their storms. But sometimes we stand for others, only to look around and see that when we fall, no one is standing for us.
Be it short term or long term, every now and then, the strong types (like me and you all that read this blog) want to be able to fall back and know that as much as we are there for others they are here for us. It may feel like sometimes we are on an island by ourselves but when confirmation begins to surface, we learn that the power of our words reach further than we imagined.
I’m not proud of my actions and the many ways I have expressed myself in the past, the present, or the anticipated future, but what I can say is that in my moment of weakness my truth and emotions were laid on the line. I have exposed my heart. I felt drained by my emotions. I felt consumed in my confusion. I felt alone in my feelings. But…
There is always a but…tonight I received a heartfelt message from a friend (regardless of how long it’s been since we talked) expressing their thankfulness for my authenticity. See I have learned in my short life that it does not matter what you say or what you do, someone will find favor or fault in your actions. To be honest if someone is displeased with me and they are new to my life, I really don’t care how they feel. That is a fault of mine that I struggle with because in the past I have easily tossed people out of my life. Not that I didn’t care, but their opinions just didn’t matter.
However, now I try to understand where a person is coming from because if I toss everyone out of my life that did not care for me, then I would be surrounded by people that don’t genuinely have my best interest at heart. So when I say that I’m tired of being strong it is because the expectancy of my personality is to be just that…STRONG!
My strengths are also equally my weaknesses. I make no apologies for my brashness and of course at times I could be more tactful. But in my lapse of thought and full judgement, my misstep turned into inspiration for someone else.
In this blogging business, everyone speaks of authenticity, and when you become completely transparent, you tend to raise eyebrows. Everyone will not like what you say, and in my selfishness I said some things that cannot be unsaid. I have learned though that since I took a bigger leap than imagined, my words struck a nerve that stirred HELP in someone else.
They always say, “Smile at someone because you never know what they are going through.” Well I say, “Be unafraid to share your story because someone is going through the same thing.”
I am pushing my blog, my book, and my other creative ideas. Though my audience is small and growing, my friend expressed to me that even though many miles away, I HELPED her. At the root of everything that I do, I just want to be a HELP to others.
Yes I’m tired of being strong, but I know that what’s inside of me is bigger than myself. I have walked around with bloodshot eyes losing sleep trying to control things that I couldn’t. I have superficially prayed wanting for immediate gratification and learned that that would not work.
In my vulnerability, I have felt more than I could imagine in a long time. Though I am tired at times, I am where I am supposed to be (Psalms 139: 16). God deployed angels that interceded on my behalf.
See it doesn’t matter how I feel, because it is okay to say, “I’m not okay.” But what’s not okay is to stay in that dark place. I may be tired of being strong, but my weakness provided strength to someone else. I’m delighted in knowing that this was not all in vain.
Thank you for reading!